“If you had to name the most uncomfortable situation you could experience, what would it be?”
I love gathering with friends, sharing conversations & memories. But never did one sentence make me constantly crave to go deeper within myself to find the honest answer.
When the above question was asked, I gave a perfectly acceptable answer. It’s funny how when we’re asked such a deep question and answer ingenuously, people rarely call us out on this lack of honesty with ourselves. Maybe it is because it could too easily be turned back on them.
I suddenly felt a need, not just a want, to identify with myself in such a raw and honest way. I learned a lot about myself with recent issues in my past that taught me how I handled emotions. I used humor, distractions or just hiding feelings to protect people from seeing where I was at emotionally.
For days I thought about what my honest answer should have been. Looking back I knew it all along, but even naming it was scary to me. It made it a reality. You can’t run anymore once you know.
My most uncomfortable situation: Be with me, myself, alone & find the love I have for others and the world…within myself. Believing I deserved that same treatment and love.
It was time to make it happen. How would I do this? Where would I start?
A blog. I was filled with excitement as I started the first entry. A few entries under my belt felt pretty good.
I then took a vow of silence on my own. I shared my experience by writing “Silence for Sanity: Both Yours & Mine” about all that came up when I wasn’t communicating (for those that know me this was thought to be an impossible act).
When people say that sometimes even just a little positive feedback is enough to keep you going, they were right! My blog entries created a buzz I wasn’t expecting. People were thankful for someone not afraid of their own voice or of others’ judgments. People sent private messages asking me to keep in touch (hell yeah! I would be honored!). With all of this positive energy connected to this new way of expressing myself, it would have seemed obvious to stick with it, ride the wave & truly experience the joy it brings. The ability to be me without trying to please everyone else offered me a new freedom within life. I truly loved everything. It was all falling into place.
Yet I found myself so resistant to doing it ….Why?
I knew there was a possibility my friends/family would be reading about my journey. I was aware of the amazing people I know who read judgment free & hoped they would be inspired. I also accepted that some would read because of self-motivated reasons or just to keep busy. Some would see that I was on a new path of growth, change & aloneness, and for them it might create fear. What I wasn’t expecting was the amount of people that I would meet that would want to keep in touch & read about my journey. It is easy to enjoy seeing people “like” my writing, but the amazing comments that were sent my way about inspiring & changing lives, that proved to be one of the hardest challenges for me. It is mind boggling that we can find ourselves so loving & giving towards others, yet struggle to turn that gift inward.
So with all these realizations tumbling forth I would be writing the blog daily, right? No. Self sabotage comes all too easily.
Nine weeks have passed without me writing a new blog entry. The reasons range from my wanting to be a people pleaser, listening to a friend’s advice telling me not to blog & just experiencing the journey, to the fear of my poor punctuation/grammar skills to feeling like I waited so long that there was no way I could catch up with the entries. I let thoughts (others or my own) control my outcome. All that truly matters in the end, though, is that I do what I WANT. So bring it 🙂
I WANT to be actively blogging, tracking my experiences in an expressive outlet. I want to have those that love me share in my experience. I want those that are inspired, intrigued, scared, moved, or disapproving of what I’m doing to be able to take a peek into my world if they so desire.
I wanted to be fearless. I want to have no regrets. I want to learn to live, love and long to be with myself. I want to prove we are not defined only by our past experiences and we are definitely not defined by the beliefs others hold about us.
I want to prove that there is always more amazingness out there for us to experience.
So while I haven’t been writing & sharing, I have been LIVING. I cannot wait to share all about it with you.
My writing, sharing & creative juices are flowing. http://memyselfpigtails.com is alive 🙂 and best of all….
My biggest dream I silently held within “And She Leaps” become a reality.
There is definately a great deal to find out about this topic.
I love all the points you made.