A Love Story Over Time

Hey! Umm, Hello There, Errr, That doesn’t feel right either. Long time no talk…well this isn’t true, since historically speaking (hopefully), I berated you constantly, I guess its a form of talking… Let me try again…Good Morning, I think that might work. At least it’s direct & honest. That is the only point of this letter so why not nail it from the start. Right?

I wanted to ask you to consider hearing me out. I have done deep soul work on myself, peeling apart layer by layer, and I am happy with the perspective I have come to know & believe deeply. I want to let my heart lead the conversation. So, do you mind listening to me for a bit, I promise you it is worth it. All I ask is to hear me out, and perhaps allow us to….begin again.

So here goes nothing:

I am sorry. I regret a lot. I made mistakes. I am flawed, oh so very much. But I am sorry & I love you, I love you, I love you KT inside and out.

I am not going to beat around the bush here. There have been days that I was not able to process exactly what was happening & felt deep hatred for you. There were days where I saw you staring back at me & the only desire I had was wanting to smash your face so I no longer had to look at it.

There were moments that frustration controlled me & I simply acted out. I never addressed where my emotions were coming from. I was very harsh with you. I know when people are short with me I become unsettled. If it effects me, of course it would you as well. I was raised better than that. I apologize.

I am embarrassed to admit my abuse to you didn’t stop there. I held onto so much pain, that I overwhelmed you with my sadness, fear, hopelessness, helplessness and despair. I was so disgusted by your aliments, scars, fat, failings, illnesses, and shape that I couldn’t even mutter the words to say, yes, I am with her. I separated myself from identifying with you. How sad that I felt that was the answer.

I remember days waking up with pure panic when I realized my shirt had moved up during my sleep. My stomach exposed. My largest flaws uncovered. I let that moment set the tone for the rest of my day. All or nothing. I lost so many days of happiness, by allowing self created hell run the show. Fuck. I am intelligent, maybe not in the book way, but I have a deep understanding of the human experience, why was it so hard to see it in my own life?

We both know that many of the days of our life, you didn’t show up to work. You were not able to complete your job. I immediately jumped into thoughts of how you sucked & you were so shitty. I thought about how you caused me so much pain. How you made my eyes swell over in tears, how you made me lose a sense of worthiness, how you allowed others to hurt me, how you literally tore me up and turned everything toxic you didn’t want so it had to get out.

I remember thats how I used to think. I wanted to say sorry for that. I wanted to apologize now so I don’t have to dance around it anymore, and so we can move forward. I have learned so much, grown so much and I love you. I love every part of you. Every part through the darkness & the light. So please accept this next part of the letter, my love letter to you.

To Whom I Love Dearly, A love story over time.

This morning I woke and my first thought was, I am alive!! I breathed deeply & let out a sigh. I said out loud, Yesssss! I am still here! The reason I’m here was hard to admit being as stubborn as I am, but I realize, I am here because of you and all you do.

You have kept me running for over three decades. Good Work! I realized how long 35 minutes on the elliptical is today (very very very long if you were wondering), so the realization of how long you have been at work without a break, I bow down to you my body. You do amazing work!!!

I will break it down for you below as there are so many parts I want to send my love to. Please while you read this, take a moment to feel the love because for the first time ever in my life, everything I love everything about you is pure. So enjoy this love fest I dedicate to you.

My hair, but more so I love its ability to trust your decision to have it fall out while I was at my sickest. By your strength to let go, It became clear to me how sick I had become & was able to finally stop my auto pilot & take care of me. (I did secretly wish you would grow back curly/blonde but I am over that) I love how you wake up crazy, I have never loved anyones bed-head so dearly as yours. Thank you.

My eyes. If there is one part of me that sets me straight, Eyes you are it. You stare back at me with such intensity combined with a fierce love. Thank you for letting me see into my soul. Thank you for allowing sparkles to shine or tears to fall. Thank you for expressing my hearts thoughts through you when I had no words.

My mouth. We had some tough times back when after taking Reglan you were diagnosed with tardive dyskinsia. Having been a full time performer, loosing control of your speech, motor skills, muscle control & more was absolutely devastating. But you never stopped smiling. Even if one side was drooping. You couldn’t stop sharing your love with those around you. I applaud that. You held on to hope. You opened up at therapy to share how dark your days were becoming, despite the challenges of speaking. I thank you for holding on. I thank you for the words you speak to yourself & others, for the beauty of your expressions.

My back. Another area that has been riddled with aliments. You taught me that when I feel your pain, I can love you more, care for you better & become one again. Thank you for keeping me upright. For reminding me to stand tall, believe in myself & know my strength.

My stomach. a very loaded area for sure. I have to come back to you. This is absolutely the hardest part of the letter & also the most gut wrenching because I can see the damage done both to you and to others, as well as my words layering on top of it all. Let me revisit this in a few. Please honor this one request.

Legs: We have been through it all from the compliments & getting nicknamed Stemz to the multiple knee surgeries combined with doctors highly suggesting I have my right leg rebuilt. There is constant pain due to the issues not caught when I was younger, sure. But that never stopped you.  The extra work you had to overcome you always did. You supported a hyperactive, always-in-motion girl all through life. You set out walking to a destination but enjoyed following my soul to off beaten path gems we found together. You had held the weight of the world on you with all my steroids, bloating & more from my digestive diseases. I remember crying when the doctors said I couldn’t run again. I remember thinking it was all over. But I luckily smartened up. You work. I have both of you! You allow me the freedom to just be. You get me everywhere I need to go & your pace though slow sometimes, helps me stop and smell the roses even more. So thank you.

This could go on forever. I guess what I want to say is Body, You are beyond flipping amazing. So you don’t work like the “healthy” or “perfect” or “athletic” people. But if you did, I wouldn’t know your beauty. I would have taken you for granted all my life. I wouldn’t want that. Instead, you are stronger than all of those kinds of people put together. You work so much harder, you accept so much pain, you overcome challenges, you never ever gave up on me, you took abuse from others & you never quit despite the abuse I stupidly gave you to deal with as well.

There are so many parts of you (remember Lever 2000 soap commercials)… I don’t have time nor do I expect you to continue reading, we have a wild love fest to get started!!! But everything about you is amazing.  Even the arm hairs, they all are unique. Every one choosing to stand, lay, bend, they all do their own thing, just like you have allowed me, though the path to me owning it fully has been very hard for you to witness I am sure.

So before I finish, I need to address one part for sure. My stomach. I always thought you didn’t work as if it was a choice.  As if you were a stomach that didn’t want to do it’s only job. I forgot that you were struggling just as much.  You probably feel accomplished when you do your digesting. And that was taken away from you by someone else’s mistakes at the hospital. So I know this is a forgiveness that may never be given, but I beg of you to listen to my words & to trust my heart always knows exactly how it feels & is right.  I love you.  I love you for continuing to try to work, after years and years past, repeating tests 100 times…hitting the 22 yr mark of being paralyzed.  I thank you for staying the course. I thank you for not doing something drastic that took all my precious years away.  We have a past & I am certain a future of stories as well, but I can promise you this, from this point on, we are a team.  Always.

As for you physically, Katie, you are beautiful.  Your pure childlike soul leaps out of your eyes every time I see a mirror, prepping me for our next adventure. But one part took more of my time. I can’t deny how much of my life I wasted obsessing over my stomach. The medications, disease, the steroid treatments, bloating, people asking if I was “due” any day know, the sickness, everything. I have hid you for as long as I can remember. I never went to the beach. I didn’t allow people to dance with me incase they touched my waist.  I wore sweatshirts 24/7 despite the heat. I would never share myself with another fully. I am sorry I placed such shallow labels on what you were supposed to be, and if you were ever near someone who agreed with those thoughts, I apologize for exposing you to a such a shallow human. I won’t ever do that again. You are beautiful.  You protect my insides from being hurt.  You keep everything together despite missing organs and reorganization of my internals.  So I accept you, however you come. I am not afraid of you anymore, & I dedicate my life now to the best partnership possible.

I started a few days ago I my self created project, Take My Life Back & I am working out again (medically cleared!) . It’s my first step for our relationship to begin again, just my body & me. Will you end up changing physically? Maybe. But it is out of a love to make my body healthy and feel better, not for anything cosmetic.

I love you. Oh, and when we go to bed tonight, I am snuggling the shit outta you! <3 kt

Let it go, Let it go…..

This is the first time my stomach has been uncovered in a ridiculous amount of years. I am sure the amount of strength, courage and bravery that took to post will never be truly understood by another.

I do believe in miracles. I love you Katie Lovebomb.
– Self